| this is God |
[31 Oct 2007|11:15pm] |
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remember this feeling and Who it came from
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[12 Feb 2007|10:54pm] |
i was going to write an entry about myself but IM COMING BACK TO IRVINE THIS WEEKEND (!!) so i'll just tell you in person haha. yay chinese people and their lunar calenders
so new goal, pack as many fun friend things possible into two days.
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| adding another wagon to the band |
[05 Feb 2007|05:19pm] |
dorm survey
Condoms: yes i have quite a few actually, for all those nights the berkeley boys come over to "study"...
haha just kidding at the beginning of the year all sorts of organizations were passing them out. if you ever come over and need one, you should know i keep my condoms in my pencil case with my calculator and notebooks at the bottom of my drawer because i chose to keep all the stuff im never going to use at the bottom of my drawer. i figure i'll start becoming sexually active before i become a hardworking student.
Cell phone: yes
Chair/stool: yes
Book shelf: kind of, its built into our wall
Dresser: yes
Computer/laptop: yes
Bean bag: no
Pictures: yeah only a few though
Mirror: yes
Skateboard: no
Bed: yes
Clothes on the floor: nope, theyre on my ladder
Surfboard: no
Smoke detector: yeah it looks really old
Piano/keyboard/Guitar/bass/drums: no
Locking door: yes, automatic locking door that doesnt ever stay open cause its so heavy
Bottle of water: only ONE because i ran out of water and have no access to a target to buy more =(
Blacklight: no
medals/ribbons: no im not that cool
CDs: yeah one random used cd i bought for 2 dollars at amoeba music
Flag: no
Stop sign/any sign: no
Cigarettes: no
Pot: no
Any drug: dayquil.
Alcohol: yeah i believe its in an arrowhead waterbottle
Books: too many
Ps2: no
Xbox: no
Stereo: nope
Television: haha yeah right
Lighter: probably
Gum: yeah
How many windows do you have in ur room?
1, our whole main wall is a window
What is the color of your walls?
white. on the ceiling there is a carcass of a mosquito thats been here since before we moved in. and some of the paint is peeling so we covered it with a wall hanging picture thing
Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom??
room
What color is your bed sheet?
lavender
What's on your walls?
ummm...
collage of my friends that ainsley made for me
pillow case that says "jamie" that sandy made for me
poster for "the science of sleep" with the title cut off
pages from a magazine of a girl letting go of black balloons in front of a church
a gift bag that alice gave to me that i cut up
the pink ribbons from the bag alice gave me tied into bows
a tiny poster that says gold digger
the birds i bought from singapore
marc jacobs picture from nylon magazine
e.e. cummings poem
the lyrics to "Come Thou Fount"
bookmark for the Young Womens Christian Association at berkeley
a fabric tag from urban outfitters
some cute asian toy thats supposed to hang from your bag that now hangs from my wall
purple cross occec gave to me
a wire bucket that is supposed to hang in your shower but that hangs precariously next to my bed because i have no where else to put my stuff since i sleep on the top bunk
Has the opposite sex been in your room before?
yes
Has the opposite sex been on your bed?
no, no ones ever been on my bed cause i have a bunkbed
Has the opposite sex slept in your bed?
bunkbed ftw.
Who usually sleeps in your bed other than you?
all the berkeley boys i keep stored in my drawer. and Dell XPS m1210 when Rico Suave, my ipod, was broken.
Do you like your bedroom?
its tiny but im used to it. the 8th story view saves the whole thing.
I MISS
MY FRIENDS
IN IRVINE
SO
MUCH
CAUSE PEOPLE HERE ARE BORING
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| Love |
[01 Nov 2006|01:55pm] |
A: "What can I say? She sold out to a whole generation of vipers. Women who are never satisfied, who throw away happiness with both hands. And she especially had the choice of turning her back on it and going off into the sunset with the one guy she really could have learned to love. She turned her back on the wrong guy."
B: "I would say jealousy. Keep in mind he finally dumped her out of pain. I wonder how he felt having to watch her strut in and out of his life, looking more gorgeous each time. I bet, deep inside, he burned with many furies! Tied to women, not understanding women, feeling cheated..."
C: "Love is the most fundamental and at the same time the most exalted purpose we have in this life. In fact, it's dangerous," she might add.
D: "Have you ever stopped to think that love is actually impossible? Maybe it's just something which people have invented to torture themselves with. Love is elusive, doesn't translate well into reality. When you have two people in so-called love, what do you really have but two people busily trying to enslave each other? The more in love they are, the more compulsively they strip each other of dignity, self-respect, identity, until there is nothing left."
E: "Think of love as something free of remorse and restraints. No ulterior motives. Try harder! Imagine, nothing to explain; no need to justify! If you think real hard about it, how could something that quintessential have gotten so screwed up in people's minds? Anyway, I'm telling you this for your own good, sweetie. So you won't go on and on about it. I'd hate for people to think you're boring."
It's funny that half the people I know would adamantly agree with these time-tested facts while the rest would rise up in arms to defend against such ignorance. Which group would be more naive?
By the way, Happy November. I come home in 23 days.
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| lalalala... |
[28 Oct 2006|03:07pm] |
Yesterday I started my 10-page Midterm paper at 10am the morning it was due and when i finished at 3pm I wanted to jump for joy right out of a building. Woo hooo!!!
I think ive procrastinated so much my entire life that its just unnatural for my body to start doing work until right before its due. So now i dont even bother attempting to start before the due date and this has really cut down on a lot of homework.
Here are the tentative classes im choosing for next semester:
1. English 45C - Historical survey of literature in English from Chaucer through the 20th century.
2. History 5 - European Civilization from the Renaissance to the Present
3. L&S 150: War and Peace in the Middle East
4. UBA 24, Sec 1: The Birth of Christianity: from Jesus to Augustine
The only one I "have" to take is the English class because it's a pre-requisite for my major. The rest I am taking "just for fun" cause they sound very interesting. I recently went amazon.com crazy and ordered 5 or 6 pleasure-reading books and wasted lots of money. I fear the nerdiness is catching up to mee...
But to compensate I bought Lulu Guiness heels the other day for pretty cheap along with Miss Sixty jeans for $15! Life is very simple and good nowadays. And God is good alldays.
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| don't just skip this cause its from the bible, read! |
[02 Oct 2006|11:54pm] |
14 The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15 I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16 I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17 But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside that makes me do these evil things. 18 I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19 When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20 But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really doing it; the sin within me is doing it. 21 It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do waht is wrong. 22 I love God's law with all my heart. 23 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
Romans 7:14-25
i still don't really understand this, or myself, or how i can consciously act in ways that i condemn, but all i know is that a lot of times we sin and then shrug it off as "human nature", when really if we loved God and beg of his forgiveness, shouldn't we at least think of God before acting, not after?
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| watching God |
[25 Sep 2006|10:27am] |
So Janie waited a bloom time, and a green time, and an orange time. But when the pollen again gilded the sun and sifted down on the world she began to stand around the gate and expect things. What things? She didn't know exactly. Her breath was gusty and short. She knew things that nobody had ever told her. For instance, the words of the treees and the wind. She often spoke to falling seeds and said, "Ah hope you fall on soft ground," because she had heard seeds saying that to each other as they passed. She knew the world was a stallion rolling in the blue pasture of ether. She knew that God tore down the old world every evening and built a new one by sun-up. It was wonderful to see it take form with the sun and emerge from the gray dust of its making. . The familiar people and things had failed her so she hung over the gate and looked up the road towards way off. Janie's first dream was daed, so she became a woman.
I decided last night that I'm not going to do Business anymore cause i dont like what it entails (High School Applications all over again) and will switch to Rhetoric & Philosophy or English. Calculus makes me cry, I am dropping out because I dont need it anymore and now i will be under-credits although i dont think that matters. I realized I have Free Will and I may as well use it. I am in one of the greatest learning institutions in the world so why not take advantage of things im actually interested in, not just prereq classes that everyone and their mom are competing for an A in. Choosing between what looks good and what you actually want to do is very hard. I realize ive wasted my time wanting to do business for the past 3 years.
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[28 Aug 2006|09:31am] |
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i got out of class at 9am and my next one is at 2pm. so i have nothing to do and it is FREEZING. one of my classes is literally on the opposite side of the campus.
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| college |
[25 Aug 2006|05:01am] |
i should be going to bed, but i'd just like to announce to everyone that LEAVING IS NOT THAT BAD. You will be back in THREE MONTHS...you're not dropping off the face of the earth. the first day i was here i was like wow, college is kind of lame, but now its just something you get used to and it seriously will help the relationships you currently have because you learn to appreciate your friends (and family) from home. i'm kind of bored here in Berkeley, but i was really bored back in Irvine so its not really like my life has changed dramatically. Within 2 days i made friends that i act like i've been friends with for years and everyone is really really open to meeting everyone else. Is it all small talk? Yes. But with those good friends, you can have substantial conversations and ignore all the annoying drunk people on your floor that want to ask you wha tyou're majoring in.
Focus on making friends with people naturally. I think some people here just want to go out and friend everyone like life is one big myspace, but who cares about quantity, just see if you click with people. You'll be meeting SO many people a day that you can weed out the ones that were meant foryou and the ones that werent. And from then on, you'll be so much more satisfie d with college life because you have close friends in comparison to other people still trying to find an identity on campus lost in a see of shallow friends.
sorry if that wasnt a flowery and motivational (and gramatically correct) entry on college. its late and college is seriously blown so out of proportion. if you just have confidence in yourself you'll be fine wherever you are. and we waste 3/4 of our lives talking to our friends on the internet, its not like thats gonna change if you're in another building.
so in straightforward-jamie fashion: try not to let leaving irvine effect your emotions too much cause its not like you're going to suddenly lose all your old friends and not make new ones in the future. you will be fine, you will stay in touch, and you will branch out and meet new people form all over CA. and in the event that you do lose contact or closeness with your current close friends, well i guess it just shows your friendship wasnt meant to be.
have a nice next few weeks, everyone. i have to wake up in 3 and a half hours..woot.
p.s. everyone goes to parties in the first week of school, accept it.
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| i'm copying ainsley before i go to bed |
[10 Aug 2006|12:21am] |
wussup
i am 18 years old.
i have been legal for 8 months.
i have had my license for almost 2 years.
i have't done many special things this summer.
i have accepted that there is too much stuff in my room for it to be clean.
i have no corners, they are all occupied by the furniture that takes presidence over my emotions.
i dont know whether these are land boundaries or people boundaries. i've crossed a lot of both.
i will be at work tomorrow.
high school was like a merry go round, no ups or downs, just circles.
6 northwood girls. 1 chinese church.
6 girls FN is the only thing left standing.
i miss nothing.
i like blurting out my opinions.
i like taking risks to do what i want.
i like life-smart.
i like eccentric, creative, unique people.
i don't like things and people that are overrated.
i don't like "nice, cute" people because they are boring.
i don't like book-smart.
i don't like having attention and/or taking pictures of only myself.
i don't mean to be but I am very sarcastic.
i don't mean to but I do forget people and events very easily.
i'm allergic to cats.
i often look into the future.
i don't like what my future looks like beyond college.
i feel so
___________.
bored and boring.
goodnight. i leave in less than 10 days. hello life.
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| random jet lag thoughts |
[05 Aug 2006|01:23am] |
I bought Muse, Moby, Brian Wilson, Feist, and Nelly Furtado's first cd while i was in Singapore. Overall all good and all different. Feist is really nice background music. Moby is a bit overdrawn for me. And Muse makes me feel like i should be angry.
Germaine de Capuccini has the most wonderful skin products and I really really really want to see the movie Little Miss Sunshine and get a pedicure. Would anyone like to accompany me in such endeavors?
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| Here is a series of blasphemous and ambiguous statements |
[25 Jul 2006|02:41am] |
Sometimes i dont think it's fair that i can never be selfish because i voluntarily need to cater to people that are.
I am aware that that contains a minor contradition but theres no other way to put it. The majority of people in the world do not carry such a mindset and taht is why most of the people you will meet in the future will not give a crap about you. But i dont think its cause they're selfish. It's because no one appreciates it. (I guess that adds to the beauty of high school friends.) Therefore i'd like to put an emphasis on the word "voluntarily."
Look at your friends around you. Do they treat you nicely? Well how bout you be a good friend in return, and make it easier for them to be your friend so they dont need to pointlessly expend so much of their own energy on you. And tben the friendship becomes equal and effortless. Wow what a concept.
I'm not just an emotional bitch, there is an actual reason why i started becoming more (what could be called) "bitter" towards the end of senior year. I am a very opinionated and straightforward person yet i found that there are too many things taht would be completely uncouth for me to say. Keeping in all the truths that shouldnt be acknowledged is
quite frustrating.
In other news heres a short thing about my trip so far:
the original plan was fly from LA to Japan and take a connecting flight to Taiwan and stay there for 3 days with Mallory. I missed my japan flight to taiwan becaues i fell asleep in the airport and ended up having to spontaneously rent a hotel room 15 min away from the hotel by myself. The next day i didnt want to waste time so i found a bus that could take me to the shopping area of Narita and i ate sushi by myself and went shoppping. I realized that traveing alone even though i'm a teenage girl isnt that bad but that traveling without a companion in a foreign land with no english is quite lonely. then i went to taiwan and now i'm in singapore. i didnt knonw whether to write about m y tirp here cause i dontkjnow if people read it. japan is very pretty.
By "appreciating" i mean taking help, learning from it, and passing it on to someone else. If you just cant accept help or are unwilling to pass such knowledge then guess what. You're selfish.
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| i bet i will lose. |
[27 Jun 2006|02:07am] |
EDIT: WTF I BEAT EVERYONE =( HOW
...
0-20= goodie goodie
21-30= a little rebellious
31-40= getting there
41-50= rebel
51-60= bad kid
61-70= fucking bad ass
71-80= bitch
81-90= damn
91-100= can't believe you made it this far
[ ] smoked
[x]consumed alcohol
[x]slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[x]slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[x]had someone in your room of the opposite sex
[ ]watched porn
[ ]bought porn
[ ]done drugs
Total = 4
[x]taken pain killers
[x]taken someone elses prescription medicine
[x]lied to your parents
[x]lied to a friend
[x]snuck out of the house
[x]done something illegal
[x]hurt yourself
[x]hurt someone
[x]wished someone to die
[ ]seen someone die
Total = 9
[x]missed curfew
[x]stayed out all night
[ ]eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
[ ]been to a therapist
[ ]been to rehab
[x]dyed your hair
[ ]recieved a ticket
[x]been in a wreck
[x]been to a club
[x]been to a bar
Total = 6
[ ]been to a wild party
[ ]seen the Mardi Gras
[ ]had a spring break in Florida
[ ]sniffed anything
[x]wore black nail polish
[x]wore arm bands
[x]wore tshirts with band names
[x]listened to rap
[ ]own a 50 cent cd
Total = 4
[x]dressed gothic
[x]dressed prep
[x]dressed punk
[x]dressed grunge
[x]stole something
[ ]been too drunk to remember anything
[x]blacked out
[x]fainted
[ ]had a crush on your neighbor
[ ]had someone sneak into your room
Total = 7
[x]snuck into some ones room
[x]snuck out of someone elses house
[ ]had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x]been to a concert
[x]dry humped someone
[x]been called a slut
[x]called someone a slut
[ ]installed speakers in your car
[x]broke a mirror
[x]showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
[x]brushed your teeth with someone elses toothbrush
Total = 9
[ ]considered ludacris your favorite rapper
[x]seen an R rated movie in theaters
[x]cruised at the mall
[x]skipped school
[ ]had/have an eating disorder
[x]had/have an injury
[ ]gone to court
[ ]walked out of a resteraunt without paying
[x]caught something on fire
[x]lied about your age
Total = 6
[ ]cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ]cheated with someone
[x]got in trouble with the police
[x]talked to a stranger
[ ]hugged a stranger
[ ]kissed a stranger
[x]rode in the car with a stranger
[ ]been sexually harrassed
[x]been verbally harrassed
Total = 4
[x]met face to face with someone you met online
[x]stayed online for 12 hours straight
[x]talked on the phone for more than 5 hours straight
[ ]watched tv for 12 hours straight
[x]been to a fair
[x]been called a bad influence
[x]cursed
[x]prank called someone
[x]laid in the bed with someone of the opposite sex
[x]cheated on a test
Total = 9
[x]cheated on homework
[x]held hands with someone of the opposite sex
[x]been pushed into a pool
[x]played pool
[x]watched 5 hours of mtv straight
[ ]had a crush on someone 10 years older than you
[ ]had a crush on someone younger than you
[x]wore eyeliner
[ ]skinny dipped
[ ]laughed at someone who was seriously hurt
total = 6
Grand total = 64 = FUCKING BAD ASS
.....how did i beat xtina115..........we must reject Ho because there is insufficient evidence to support this test....yeahhh
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[26 Jun 2006|02:17am] |
i wish the world consisted of dons, victors, josephs, and timmys
cause then the nice people would be genuinely nice. and the really mean people would be secretly genuinely nice.
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| =( |
[26 Jun 2006|12:01am] |
i was trying to make a mixcd for everyone reflecting what kind of music i like, since no one really knows what i listen to. and then it ended up being 90 songs. so i dont know what i'm gonna do now. and i'm very sad.
=(
if you have a music download program:
AC Newman - On the Table
Aimee Mann - Save Me
Alanis Morissette - That I Will be Good, Uninvited
Amos Lee - Colors, Arms of a Woman, Keep it Lose Keep it Tight
Badly Drawn Boy - Something to Talk About
The Beatles - Something
Beck - Golden Age
Ben Folds - Landed
Beth Orton - Concrete Sky
Billy Joel - And So it Goes
Bob Dylan - Mr. Tambourine Man
Carina Round - Lacuna
Charlotte Martin - Veins, Root, On Your Shore
Coldplay - Don't Panic, Swallowed in the Sea, Til Kingdom Come, Amsterdam (the intro sounds like a beatles song), Shiver
Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan - Unplayed Piano
Death Cab for Cutie - Your Heart is an Empty Room
Elton John - This Train Don't Stop There Anymore
Feist - Inside and Out
Fiona Apple - Paper Bag, Never is a Promise, Waltz
Foo Fighters - Ain't it the Life
Frou Frou - Must be Dreaming, Hear Me Out, The Dumbing Down of Love
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
Incubus - Talk Shows on Mute
Interpol - Slow Hands, Evil, Narc
Jack Johnson - Flake, Inaudible Melodies
Jeff Buckley - Hallelujiah
Jem - They
Jimi Hendrix - Wind Cries Mary
Johnny Cash ft. Fiona Apple - Bridge Over Troubled Water
Keane - Untitled 1
Madeliene Peyroux - Dance Me to the End of Love, Lonesome Road
Matt Costa - Astair
Madonna - Little Star, Sky Fits Heaven (the whole Ray of Lightcd is amazing.)
Mazzy Star - Fade into You
Mindy Smith - Come to Jesus
Moby - Porcelain, We Are All Made of Stars
Natalie Imbruglia - Hurricane, Come September
Natalie Merchant - Ophelia, Kind and Generous
The New Pornographers - Miss Teen Wordpower
Nouvelle Vague - I Melt With You
Ornella Vanoni - L'Appuntamento
Rachael Yamagata - I Wish You Love, Quiet
Ray Charles ft. Norah Jones - Here We Go Again
REM - Man on the Moon
Rose Polenzani - How Shall I Love Thee?
Rufus Wainwright - Across the Universe, Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk, The Tower of Learning
Sarah McLachlan - Adia, Angel, Posession, Black and White, Fallen, Shelter
The Shins - New Slang
Simon and Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy in New York
Snow Patrol - RUn
Something Like Silas - In the Burning, Better is One Day
Tori Amos - Way Down, Silent All These Years
Travis - Sing
U2 - Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of, Kite
Waking Ashland - "october skies and city lights are all a blur..." (i dont know the title)
The Wallflowers - One Headlight
The two bolded are my two favorite songs. I wish car stereos could play MP3 CDs.
If you have time, make me a cd of your favorite songs! I always love hearing what people love hearing.
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| The past and pending |
[23 Jun 2006|04:16pm] |
As someone sets light to the first fire of autumn
We settle down to cut ourselves apart.
The Past: 7 minutes away from each other
The Pending: Me and C Ho will be moving 7 hours away from everyone
I'll admit that i was over high school around the middle of this year. I loved my friends. I loved my school. But everything seemed a bit repetitive and there was nothing i could grow from as a person. I liked my teachers and i loved the prospect of hanging out wiht my friends, but everyday i wanted to ditch just cause it felt like id get just as much out of sleeping than i would at school.
I could never identify with the word "High Schooler." The words were too small and too insecure. Like reading Christina Ho's entry saying that shed miss being a high schooler was weird to me cause i never pictured her as one. But i dont really picture ANY of my peers as "high schoolers." They/you are all far too wise and fun and have grown too much in the past 4 years for something so minute.
Basically what i'm trying to say, is i dont think High School is something I need anymore and theres nothing more it can do for me. But it is definitely something I will always love. Like a trip to sacramento. Or a choral concert. Or a long talk in my lexus. All good things must come to an end. Did it all fly by too fast? Yes. But now it is over and theres nothing else left with me but good memories. And I think thats why i cant be emo. Theres nothing for me to be sad about. Who else can say they achieved so much with such great people by their side? I can proudly say there is nothing about high school I would have changed. 90% of it was purely amazing and the small 10% that was "bad" was actually better cause it turned me into the person I am today. I'm sure most of you carry such sentiments.
I got out at 1:45 on the last day of school but James and I stayed til 4:30/5:00pm talking to Ms. Heck (although it sure didnt feel that long.) We sat on the other side of the room facing her desk so for an hour my view was 30 empty desks and a teacher. And it was then I realized i wasnt a part of the school anymore. I was only in what-used-to-be my TA room visiting. And i talked candidly with my teacher cause, well, she wasnt my teacher anymore.
By the time we left the sun was stronger and the school was empty. Neither of us talked to each other on the way back to the car. We just walked past the debate room, past ms. teverbaugh's room, past the media center, absorbing the desolate campus and taking pictures of what had housed us for 4 years. I dont know how to put what i felt during that walk into words. It was like saying goodbye to something so concrete and stable that I knew would continue on without me.
So this is where I am now. Stuck between the past and the pending. I cant identify with being a high schooler, yet I cant picture myself as a college student. As of yesterday, High School is the past and college still looms in the future. But I am not anchored by any school or building or organization. Right now I am only affiliated with myself. And this new, foreign feeling is that feeling at the bottom of my stomach.
A month of freedom to myself and my companions. Theres so much possibility in the unconstrained.
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[17 Jun 2006|11:09am] |
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
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